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Chapter 32 By Punkerslut
Gunner walks over and finds Kevin and Paul. KEVIN: No, dude, I'm telling you... A 40 of Steel Reserve has more alcohol than a single normal beer mixed with three shots. PAUL: Then how is it that a 40 of Steel Reserve only gets me buzzed, but a normal beer with three shots will put me on my knees? KEVIN: Look, it's not my fault that your homosexual tendencies arise when you drink. It's just... PAUL (laughing): Dude, fuck you! KEVIN: Look, I drink three 40s of Steel Reserve, and I'm in a fuckin' wheel chair after that. PAUL: What's the best part about fucking a vegetable? When you're done, you have put her back in her wheel chair. KEVIN: You know, I'm pretty sure that the joke begins with, "What's the WORST part about fucking a vegetable?" ... Maybe other sexual tendencies arise during sobriety. PAUL: Yeah, sexual tendencies like I fucked your girlfriend last night. KEVIN: Which one?... oh, hey, check it out. It's Gunner. GUNNER: The fuck is up, guys? KEVIN: Not much. You were looking pretty bad before. You okay now? GUNNER: Yeah, kinda thirsty. Anyone have any beer? Paul, who has a backpack, opens it, and pulls out a beer, hands it to Gunner. GUNNER: Thanks... So, what the fuck did you guys do today so far? PAUL: Well, it's almost five... So I've been up for a good three hours. GUNNER: Hey, didn't you have school today? PAUL: You're a piece of shit. GUNNER: I know I am. KEVIN: Nah, Gunner's the fucking shit. Kevin puts his arm around Gunner's shoulder, and pulls him close, their heads touching for a brief moment, and then releases. PAUL: Yeah, I just called him a piece of shit. KEVIN: Paul, shut up before you're wearing my boot as a hat. PAUL: I -- I don't get it? KEVIN: I 'unno... These creative methods of threatening people are sometimes straining. The first two years I had it down, but then after a while, I figure just use words like, "boot," "hat," "ass," "teeth," "face," with verbs like "stick in," "break off," "choke on," "shove down," "wear," and after mixing up them up in a sentence, just hope that it comes out good. PAUL: Hey, Kevin... You keep talking and I'll make sure my boot gives you some severe constipation. KEVIN: See, that came out really good. PAUL: No, I was actually threatening you there. KEVIN: Oh... In that case, uuuummmmm, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. GUNNER: The various forms of a threat of physical violence... My best friends in this world wouldn't be talking about anything but this. KEVIN: Aw, thanks, dude. PAUL: I don't know. That sounds a bit condescending. GUNNER: Paul, go give someone a sexual favor or something. KEVIN: Oooo, that was definitely an abstract art form of the physical threat, because there was no real threat. PAUL: Speaking of sexual favors... KEVIN: Yeah, what about your mom? PAUL: Dude, fuck you.... Speaking of sexual favors, I got tested today, as part of my routine hygiene. GUNNER: Yeah, I have hygiene. I wipe front to back. KEVIN: Unnecessary, Gunner. Un. Nec. Ess. Ary. GUNNER: Oh, I suppose you do it back to front? KEVIN: Please, do we have to talk about this? PAUL: I was negative on everything, which is good. GUNNER: Why the fuck would you worry about that? It's not like you're homeless. You're a fucking house punk. PAUL: Eat my shit. GUNNER: No, thanks, I've already had Hepatitis A. KEVIN: Ha, dude, I've had like, Hepatitis A, B, C... Fuck, I've had Hepatitis Alphabet. GUNNER: The fact that you're still alive is a modern marvel attributed to the strength of human bodies. KEVIN: There are five thousand ways to say I'm fucking cool, and that was just one of them. Tank walks along. GUNNER: Hey, Tank... The fuck is up? TANK: Not much, partner... The hell is going on? GUNNER: Oh, you know, benders and whatnot. TANK: You? On a bender? No.... way.... Say, I'll buy one of your cigars, though? GUNNER: Huh? TANK: In this little box right here. Tank reaches down in a cigar box and picks up a cigar out of it. GUNNER: The fuck... Gunner goes over and looks. There's a cigar box, with a piece of newspaper next to it, that has sharpie on it, "Cigars -- 50 Cents -- Non-Negotiable." GUNNER: Now, how the fuck is it that after fifteen minutes of us talking, I didn't notice that fucking thing there? KEVIN: Oh, I don't know... maybe it has to do with your binging on mind-altering substances? The world may never know the answer to these puzzling questions. GUNNER: You sound so sarcastic. Now I'm throwing into doubt the time you said you had sex with Whoopi Goldberg. KEVIN: I never said that. GUNNER: Oh, yeah, just like you never said you find Hillary Clinton attractive. KEVIN: Dude, she's not that bad. GUNNER: I... was joking. KEVIN: Still, she's not bad. PAUL: You make me sick. KEVIN: How can it? I thought a pile of shit with peanuts would give you a fucking erection. GUNNER: Must we degrade ourselves to this? TANK: Anyway, here's the two quarters for the cigar. KEVIN: No, no, dude, that cigar is yours, take it free of charge. Gunner, you take one, too. Gunner reaches in and takes one. GUNNER: Don't mind if I do. Anyone got a light? TANK: Yeah, sure, here... Tank throws him a lighter, Gunner lights up, and throws it back to Tank. TANK: Well, I gotta make some tracks. I'll see you kids around later. Be safe and be strong.... or be dangerous and intoxicated. KEVIN: Right on. Tank leaves. GUNNER: How in the fuck did you guys get a box of cigars? KEVIN: We walked into that flea market near the feeding area, and we like, took a box of cigars, and basically walked out. GUNNER: No resistance by the store owner? KEVIN: Well, before we left, I said, "Sir, you just got robbed," and then we kept walking. It wasn't the owner, just a clerk, so not like they would give a flying fuck. Gunner takes a long puff on his cigar. Spike and Lily show up. SPIKE: Hey, Gunner, Kevin... Guess what we just did. GUNNER: You had sex. KEVIN: Underneath a bridge. PAUL: In prison uniforms. GUNNER: Paul.... Go back to school. PAUL: Fuck you, Gunner. SPIKE: We got married. GUNNER: Aw, fucking cool, dude! LILY: Yeah, I want to be with him forever. SPIKE: Check out the wedding rings! Spike points to a lip ring he has, and so does Lily. PAUL: Hey, I bet that makes sex even better. KEVIN: You still need to take a class of sex education, Paul. PAUL: That might be true, but fuck you. GUNNER: That's a pretty cool idea that you got lip rings instead of like, finger rings. KEVIN: I totally fucking dig them. SPIKE: Are you selling cigars? KEVIN: Ever since I was five years old, I can remember always wanting to be an unlicensed tobacco salesmen, like one of the Injuns, but one of the cool ones with a mohawk, none of that Cherokee poser shit. GUNNER: Do you realize how many ethnic groups you just offended there? KEVIN: Heh, oh damn, right... Jeeze, it seems like whenever I talk these days, I tend to indecently offend someone. Like that one time there was a rally for some mayor, and it was a woman, so I had a sign that said, "Cunts Can't Carry on War." I thought we had a first amendment in the Constitution for a moment, but apparently it hasn't been ratified after 200 years. SPIKE: Dude, since when did we have a Constitution? GUNNER: Very fucking nice. (smile)
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