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By Punkerslut
It is true. I am a bad person. Here I was, going through life, enjoying the pleasures of psychedelics, attending to my duty as a reformer and revolutionary, and I never knew it, but I'm a bad person. Fortunately, someone came along and told me this. Of course, when I was told this, not only was I a bad, horrible person, with no conceptual hope of any desirable future, but the person telling me this was a wonderful, intelligent person -- and I know so because she said so, and whatever she says is right, because she's wonderful and intelligent.... By now, you probably can tell that this article is a satire (no! really!?), but here's the raw deal: I was sleep deprived and feeling out of it, and randomly IM'd people. This one girl I saw had a profile that said: "Likes: presents (sparkley things!)" Needless to say, I immediately IM'd her, quoting my friend, "The idea that the economy is complex is constantly undermined by the basic principle that people will buy shiny things." She was asleep. Then I passed out around 6:00 A.M. with the coaxing of my friend NiD, who lives in another time zone. When I woke up, she IM'd me back, and we had a riveting conversation! I think you'll enjoy it. DaveMatthewsRocks: hi DaveMatthewsRocks: who are you?? O_o Punkerslut: I..... am god. Punkerslut: Some refer to me as Jesus, but that's mostly on a case-by-case basis. DaveMatthewsRocks: i got your message last night. DaveMatthewsRocks: so i assume you found me on LJ. Punkerslut: Last night is mostly a blur to me. DaveMatthewsRocks: you were drunk? Punkerslut: Nah, just extremely sleep deprived. Punkerslut: Don't drink. [Author's Note: At least, not excessively.] DaveMatthewsRocks: should i or do i know you? Punkerslut: Probably not. Punkerslut: What's LJ? DaveMatthewsRocks: hmm... DaveMatthewsRocks: you criticized my love of sparkley things :-P Punkerslut: lol, I remember now. Punkerslut: Aahhhh, irreverence and wit. I love it so much. DaveMatthewsRocks: it's okay. im slowly getting over it since my boy wont buy them for me. Punkerslut: lol Punkerslut: Good one. Punkerslut: But you were probably serious. Punkerslut: Uhhhh, you expect your boyfriend to buy you things? DaveMatthewsRocks: heh. yeah. DaveMatthewsRocks: but im lucky if i get dinner out of the cheap-i. DaveMatthewsRocks: er cheap-o/ DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm typing like a retard today. Punkerslut: .... uuuhhh, you actually rely on your lover to sustain you? That's like the same as prostitution. DaveMatthewsRocks: no, not to sustain me. DaveMatthewsRocks: we take turns paying, supposedly. DaveMatthewsRocks: but i wind up paying most of the time. DaveMatthewsRocks: and... presents seem to be out of the question at this point Punkerslut: Oh, sure, and you complain that he doesn't buy you enough "sparkley things." Punkerslut: I once met a girl named "Sparkley Girl." She was crazy. DaveMatthewsRocks: do you know what sparkley things are? diamonds. [Author's Note: How STUPID of me! I should have known! Whenever someone uses the word "sparkley," it has to do with diamonds.] Punkerslut: .... I thought you should know. DaveMatthewsRocks: diamonds and platinum. Punkerslut: Ohhhh..... DaveMatthewsRocks: lots of girls are crazy. Punkerslut: You could have, uhhh, you know, used that actual word. DaveMatthewsRocks: i do in my livejournal... earlier in the list. DaveMatthewsRocks: *gives you a dollar* Punkerslut: Oh, fuckin' live journal. Punkerslut: Fuck that. DaveMatthewsRocks: =-O Punkerslut: I found you via Find A Buddy-- Atheism or Christianity. DaveMatthewsRocks: *takes her dollar back* DaveMatthewsRocks: atheism, then. Punkerslut: Sweet. DaveMatthewsRocks: i have a pin on my bag that says, plainly, ATHEIST. Punkerslut: I was thinking about taking massive amounts of painkillers and talking to people on AIM. It's kind of fun. DaveMatthewsRocks: and my economics teacher asked me about it. Punkerslut: Sweet. DaveMatthewsRocks: and i was like "fuck, he's gonna hate me" DaveMatthewsRocks: but i was like "yeah, i sure am." DaveMatthewsRocks: and he goes "me too." :-) DaveMatthewsRocks: i was like, "Awesome!" Punkerslut: Sweet. =) DaveMatthewsRocks: *streeeetch* DaveMatthewsRocks: where'd you find sparkley things? in my AIM subprofile? Punkerslut: Yeah. Punkerslut: Economics teacher? Oh, gaaaawd... I love economics! Macroeconomics, too? Globalization and Neo-Liberalism, too!? DaveMatthewsRocks: i like the class alot. DaveMatthewsRocks: it's micro, actually. DaveMatthewsRocks: but my teacher, hinting that i should take up economics, asked me what my major was. Punkerslut: Ah, and are you a Socialist or Communist yet? DaveMatthewsRocks: no. DaveMatthewsRocks: but i do like canada. [Author's Note: lol] Punkerslut: .... Punkerslut: That doesn't help much. DaveMatthewsRocks: well, they're socialist to a point. Punkerslut: .... not really. DaveMatthewsRocks: moreso than america. Punkerslut: America sucks ass. DaveMatthewsRocks: i think i'd like to live in either massachusettes, canada, or england. DaveMatthewsRocks: but with a warm climate. DaveMatthewsRocks: mmm graham crackers. DaveMatthewsRocks: do you live in america? Punkerslut: I live in Mass. Punkerslut: Massachusetts* Punkerslut: But, uhhh, I like, travel sort of. DaveMatthewsRocks: mmmm you have an accent DaveMatthewsRocks: *drools* Punkerslut: lol, no, I don't... I pronounce my R's. Traveling through the US has obliterated my accent entirely. DaveMatthewsRocks: ugh. i dont wanna talk to you if you dont have an accent. [Author's Note: My next comment indicates my opinion of her statement.] Punkerslut: lol DaveMatthewsRocks: i fucking love accents. Punkerslut: You ask your lovers to speak with an accent while you fuck? DaveMatthewsRocks: anything european or austrailian or east coast or southern. DaveMatthewsRocks: no, but i once had sex with a native french-speaker who would say "oui!" instead of "yes!" DaveMatthewsRocks: it was "tres sexie!" DaveMatthewsRocks: guess what? Punkerslut: What? DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont think i have a g spot. :-\ Punkerslut: DaveMatthewsRocks: no, i have a CLIT. DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm talking about the g-spot... Punkerslut: Okay, I'm not a surgeon, so I can't help ya'. DaveMatthewsRocks: mine is MIA. DaveMatthewsRocks: damn. DaveMatthewsRocks: nathan speaks germain. isn't mien german? Punkerslut: No, but it looks it. <DaveMatthewsRocks: interesting O_o Punkerslut: I can speak perfectly good German. Ziggafrier ondas bet. Fleisch neisch unn.... [Author's Note: I'm obviously talking out of my ass.] DaveMatthewsRocks: how old are you? Punkerslut: I'm 18. Punkerslut: Part-time gigolo. Punkerslut: .... and for once, I'd like my client not to be a man. DaveMatthewsRocks: 18? Punkerslut: Aye. DaveMatthewsRocks: omg. i said g spot to an 18 year old. Punkerslut: lol, you're an idiot. DaveMatthewsRocks: im going straight to hell. DaveMatthewsRocks: fuck. DaveMatthewsRocks: you're like a fucking baby. DaveMatthewsRocks: but meaner. DaveMatthewsRocks: *yawns* Punkerslut: Haha, you're 19. DaveMatthewsRocks: shouldnt you be in school or something? Punkerslut: I'm a drop out. DaveMatthewsRocks: really? O_o DaveMatthewsRocks: hey!! i'm ALMLOST 20!! Punkerslut: Yeah.... In fact, I just got my ass off of living on the streets in New Orleans. DaveMatthewsRocks: and im a sophomore in HS! Punkerslut: That's sad. Punkerslut: You should drop out. DaveMatthewsRocks: er... DaveMatthewsRocks: college. DaveMatthewsRocks: lol. Punkerslut: I was about to say. DaveMatthewsRocks: sorry, i was playing with my cam and not really paying attention. Punkerslut: No, wait, I did say it. That was sad. DaveMatthewsRocks: lol DaveMatthewsRocks: *stretch* DaveMatthewsRocks: i know, officially, 2 HS dropouts now. DaveMatthewsRocks: one is named jason. DaveMatthewsRocks: one is named.... er... you... Punkerslut: My name is Robin Hood. DaveMatthewsRocks: and both seem extremely smart. DaveMatthewsRocks: he finally got his GED though so he could work in a bank. DaveMatthewsRocks: really? my name is olive oil. Punkerslut: .... only my friends believe me that I'm Robin Hood. DaveMatthewsRocks: steal from the rich and give to the poor? DaveMatthewsRocks: sounds like a communist to me. Punkerslut: Yeap. Punkerslut: I was a Socialist. When I was homeless, I stole mad amounts of shit from stores and distributed among the poor. Punkerslut: Eventually, they all called me Robin Hood. DaveMatthewsRocks: did you live in a shelter??? DaveMatthewsRocks: once, for a class, i had to pretend i was homeless for a night. Punkerslut: No, sometimes I slept on the sidewalk, or in a squat (abandoned building). DaveMatthewsRocks: now you live with a sugar momma? Punkerslut: I wish. I went back home to my parents. DaveMatthewsRocks: im actually an economic republican. Punkerslut: I hate you. DaveMatthewsRocks: so you weren't homeless, you were a runaway. Punkerslut: I was homeless for three months. DaveMatthewsRocks: no, you were a runaway for 3 months. [Author's Note: It's difficult, you understand, talking to stupid people.] DaveMatthewsRocks: you had a place to go, you chose not to. Punkerslut: lol, runaways are homeless, too. DaveMatthewsRocks: meh, i think if you HAVE other alternative, you aren't really homeless. [Author's Note: lol.] Punkerslut: You didn't have a place to go. My parents said, "You're not welcome in our house! OUT!" DaveMatthewsRocks: alternativeS even DaveMatthewsRocks: oh, i see. DaveMatthewsRocks: you didnt leave by choice? Punkerslut: Oh, right, living with abusive family members, that's a good choice. DaveMatthewsRocks: how come they kicked your ass out? Punkerslut: First time I "ran away," yes. Punkerslut: Because I'm a fucking piece of shit. DaveMatthewsRocks: hm. interesting outlook. DaveMatthewsRocks: and you think i should give my hard-earned money to poor homeless people? Punkerslut: lol, no, I think that corporations shouldn't steal from the working class. DaveMatthewsRocks: im all about giving second chances and whatnot, but i dont give handouts. Punkerslut: Workers are paid 5% to 20% of the money they make. If you ever worked as a cashier, you'd know this is true. DaveMatthewsRocks: if you were the CEO of a corporation, i belive you'd think differently. DaveMatthewsRocks: i did work as a cashier. DaveMatthewsRocks: on... 3 different occasions Punkerslut: I'd never get to being a CEO. DaveMatthewsRocks: you might some day. [Author's Note: lol.] Punkerslut: No. High school dropouts don't get jobs. DaveMatthewsRocks: if you worked hard enough. DaveMatthewsRocks: jason has a job. DaveMatthewsRocks: he's the other dropout i know. Punkerslut: And I'm working plenty fucking hard as it is. Punkerslut: lol, "the other dropout," you talk like it's a plague or something. DaveMatthewsRocks: well, it kinda is. [Author's Note: lol.] DaveMatthewsRocks: like... i just know if i'd tried to drop out Punkerslut: If intelligence and smart choices are a plague. DaveMatthewsRocks: my mom woulda kicked me in the face Punkerslut: It's called pulling out a knife and stabbing them in the gut. DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont think ruining your future is really an intelligent, smart choice. Punkerslut: lol, dropping out does that!? DaveMatthewsRocks: it definitely is a step towards ruining it. Punkerslut: Man, I wonder what drugs must do then. DaveMatthewsRocks: whereas sticking it out, cuz HS is REALLY not that hard, is a much better alternative for future-having. Punkerslut: It is hard if you want to actually do something with your life. Spending six hours a day letting people taunt you isn't exactly helpful. DaveMatthewsRocks: do you want to do something with your life? Punkerslut: Sure. DaveMatthewsRocks: dropping out makes that infinitely harder. Punkerslut: lol, no. DaveMatthewsRocks: trust me, it does. Punkerslut: Voltaire got somewhere in his life. DaveMatthewsRocks: i guarantee someone exactly like you would have an easier time getting a job. DaveMatthewsRocks: not til he was dead. Punkerslut: Nah, he did some cool things in his life. He did some time. DaveMatthewsRocks: that's your goal? DaveMatthewsRocks: to do some time???? DaveMatthewsRocks: meh. DaveMatthewsRocks: suit yourself. Punkerslut: Nah, that's not the goal. But if you can do it, you're fucking hardcore. DaveMatthewsRocks: my goal is to be rich and powerful with a disgustingly expensive car, a gorgeous, successful husband, and a whirlpool tub. Punkerslut: lol [Author's Note: Double lol.] DaveMatthewsRocks: but ya know.... whatever... Punkerslut: That's amusing. Punkerslut: My goal is never to go back to prison. DaveMatthewsRocks: prison, whirlpool tub, whatever floats your boat. DaveMatthewsRocks: you so haven't been to prison. Punkerslut: lol, I have. Punkerslut: Criminal Trespassing. DaveMatthewsRocks: i went to prison once in the same class i had to pretend to be homeless in. Punkerslut: Orleans Parish Prison. DaveMatthewsRocks: jail isn't prison. Punkerslut: In fucking New Orleans it is. DaveMatthewsRocks: meh. DaveMatthewsRocks: and once, i was dating a guy cuz he had a pool table, and i found out he used to be in prison. DaveMatthewsRocks: so i left him. Punkerslut: lol Punkerslut: What's wrong with the inmates!? DaveMatthewsRocks: meh. DaveMatthewsRocks: i think he killed someone or something. DaveMatthewsRocks: i can't remember. Punkerslut: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of my friends have warrants for aggravated assault and attempted murder. It's why everyone has states that are "off limits." DaveMatthewsRocks: *rolls eyes* syre DaveMatthewsRocks: er sure. Punkerslut: lol, don't believe me then. Punkerslut: You know, I do have a goal... I want to be a rapper, for MTV. DaveMatthewsRocks: omg. DaveMatthewsRocks: i adore eminem. Punkerslut: It's a joke. Punkerslut: DaveMatthewsRocks: i know, but i do like eminem. Punkerslut: .... gross. Punkerslut: I hate Eminem. Punkerslut: Do you like any good music? DaveMatthewsRocks: meh DaveMatthewsRocks: guster DaveMatthewsRocks: audioslave DaveMatthewsRocks: stereo fuse DaveMatthewsRocks: ani difranco DaveMatthewsRocks: patchouli DaveMatthewsRocks: DMB Punkerslut: Eeewwww, DMB..... Punkerslut: That's worse than Eminem. DaveMatthewsRocks: lol DaveMatthewsRocks: how about you? Punkerslut: KMFDM, Skinny Puppy, VNV Nation, Apoptygma Berzerk, Aphex Twin, Wumpscut, Funker Vogt, Front 242, Front Line Assembly, Assemblage 23.... And Against Me! and the Violent Femmes. DaveMatthewsRocks: ugh DaveMatthewsRocks: no Punkerslut: Don't like them? DaveMatthewsRocks: nuh uh DaveMatthewsRocks: none of 'em DaveMatthewsRocks: but then again, im old. DaveMatthewsRocks: you're young. DaveMatthewsRocks: you shall learn. Punkerslut: lol [Author's Note: Because we all know, the primary difference between all 18 year olds and all 19 year olds is the vast gap of knowledge.] DaveMatthewsRocks: heh Punkerslut: You're one fucking year old than me. I've done more in my life than you probably will have done when you're 25. DaveMatthewsRocks: *shakes her head* doubtful DaveMatthewsRocks: ill probably own a small island nation by the time im 25. Punkerslut: lol, okay... DaveMatthewsRocks: :-D DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont see you owning any small islands? Punkerslut: lol, you're a fucking idiot. Punkerslut: I imply that with the best of intentions. DaveMatthewsRocks: meh. DaveMatthewsRocks: im just more successful, and probably more intelligent, than you. DaveMatthewsRocks: and i've had less problems and enjoy better music. DaveMatthewsRocks: that doesnt make me an idiot. Punkerslut: lol DaveMatthewsRocks: just lucky. Punkerslut: You're a snobby little wench. DaveMatthewsRocks: meh, bluntness doesnt really mean snobbyness. DaveMatthewsRocks: im just brutally honest Punkerslut: No, but saying that one preference over another is actually "better" is brutal snobbiness. Punkerslut: Arrogance, really. DaveMatthewsRocks: well, considering that was sarcasm.... take it as you will. Punkerslut: And, uhh, successful? You're in fucking college. Have fun learning "Latin and stuff." DaveMatthewsRocks: yep, im in college... a place you'll never be :-) DaveMatthewsRocks: and im good at it. Punkerslut: Whachya' get on your SATS? DaveMatthewsRocks: my teachers love me, my GPA is through the roof, i have tons of friends, i work really hard at my job, and im involved in campus activities. DaveMatthewsRocks: ill probably have a job within 30 days of graduation making twice what you'll be making at the time. Punkerslut: lol, okay DaveMatthewsRocks: i didnt take SATs, but i got a 21 on my ACT which, i believe, is equivalent to a 1380. DaveMatthewsRocks: er, 31 DaveMatthewsRocks: i can't type. Punkerslut: You implied that I'll have a job. DaveMatthewsRocks: 31/36, and im 99% sure that's a 1380. DaveMatthewsRocks: yeah, you probably wont. Punkerslut: Exactly. DaveMatthewsRocks: but if you did... id be makint at least twice what you make... probably closer to triple. DaveMatthewsRocks: what'd you get on your SATs DaveMatthewsRocks: ? Punkerslut: lolol.... Do you always try to compare yourself to others? Punkerslut: I was on drugs, so the score is irrelevant. DaveMatthewsRocks: it puts me in the top fucking 2% of the world. DaveMatthewsRocks: then why'd you ask? DaveMatthewsRocks: im not the one trying to draw comparisons. Punkerslut: Curious, so I could mock you. Punkerslut: lol, you think you're going to be in the "top fucking 2% of the world" because of college, good one. DaveMatthewsRocks: ah, yes... pitiful people partake in pitiful activities. Punkerslut: Speak for yourself. DaveMatthewsRocks: no, not cuz of college... im talking about my intelligence level... im in the top 2% when it comes to intelligence Punkerslut: *thumbs up* DaveMatthewsRocks: AND im driven. DaveMatthewsRocks: unlike you... Punkerslut: lol DaveMatthewsRocks: who enjoys quitting. [Author's Note: Bah! If only we could all be more like Canada!] Punkerslut: This is enjoyable. Please, go on. DaveMatthewsRocks: i havent much else to say till you can give a valid (non-defensive) response. [Author's Note: lol, non-defensive responses... I've just mostly been laughing at her.] Punkerslut: I love it when people who don't know me think they can immediately draw conclusions. It's totally a sign of intelligence. I mean, if saying something in ignorance isn't knowledgeable, I don't know what is! DaveMatthewsRocks: i dont need to prove myself by talking about my drugs and my sex and my fantastic life as a homeless runaway.... [Author's Note: lol, is that what this is about?] Punkerslut: *hushes the audience as she prepares to say something about how she's better* Punkerslut: That was close. But see, now you have to adjust it a little. Talk about how you're going to be better than me in some way. DaveMatthewsRocks: you, on the other hand, have nothing else to tell about yourself because you're what most pople like to call...a LOSER. Punkerslut: "You on the other hand"? You were just talking about me. Don't you mean, "More on you"? DaveMatthewsRocks: you know... dropped out, on drugs, criminal record, has goals about not going back to prison, etc. Punkerslut: That's not a bad goal! [Author's Note: And it's not!] DaveMatthewsRocks: i'm what's referred to as "america's best and brightest," love. DaveMatthewsRocks: something you'll never, ever get to be called. DaveMatthewsRocks: *pats you on the head* Punkerslut: lol DaveMatthewsRocks: you will, forever, be known as a loser. DaveMatthewsRocks: you'll go nowhere. Punkerslut: lol DaveMatthewsRocks: wind up with no friends. DaveMatthewsRocks: have no job. Punkerslut: You must be really having some emotional problems with this. DaveMatthewsRocks: live at home til you're 30. DaveMatthewsRocks: then wind up back in the prison system for the remainder of your life. DaveMatthewsRocks: while im driving my digustingly expensive car, bossing around the people below me, and toting my gorgeous husband to banquets and benefits. [Author's Note: There's something seriously wrong with this girl.] Punkerslut: Okay, you convinced me! I'm going to get my GED and buy that DMB album, just so I can be considered the top 2% of the world. DaveMatthewsRocks: it isnta bout being in the top 2%, it's about what you want out of life. Punkerslut: lol, it's like you never grew up from the "I'm gonna be Barbie" dream of most 8 year olds. DaveMatthewsRocks: if you dont mind being a loser... so be it. Punkerslut: Yeah, "loser," such objective definition, too. DaveMatthewsRocks: that dream isnt one 8 year olds have. or at least i didnt. DaveMatthewsRocks: i just know where im going with my life. DaveMatthewsRocks: and i know im going to be successful, and because of the field im in, rich. DaveMatthewsRocks: and thus i can have the things i want. DaveMatthewsRocks: and provide for a family. Punkerslut: I provided for thirty families quite fine. =) DaveMatthewsRocks: by stealing? ROFLK DaveMatthewsRocks: ROFL!!!!!!!! Punkerslut: lol, you obviously don't know much about it. DaveMatthewsRocks: *dies laughing* [Author's Note: Aye, and that's one thing I can be proud of. My revolutionary activity, by stealing from the rich, and giving to the poor.] DaveMatthewsRocks: well, ya know.. DaveMatthewsRocks: steal for your family... or whoevers family Punkerslut: lol, you're a funny girl. =) DaveMatthewsRocks: and be happy about it Punkerslut: "I'm intelligent. I respond to anything that contradicts me with laughter, because why? I'm intelligent." Punkerslut: "Only smart people can go to college." DaveMatthewsRocks: it didnt contradict me, it was just ridiculous. Punkerslut: "I'm going to own a nation state." DaveMatthewsRocks: no, i said precisely the opposite. Punkerslut: It's because you're ignorant. DaveMatthewsRocks: i said "anyone can finish HS and thus get into college" DaveMatthewsRocks: you on the other hand Punkerslut: Couldn't..... *whimpers* DaveMatthewsRocks: somehow failed at that menial task DaveMatthewsRocks: im sorry ,menial probably isnt in your vocabulary... Punkerslut: lol, okay. DaveMatthewsRocks: it means "really really really easy" Punkerslut: loooooool Punkerslut: It doesn't mean really easy. It means physical labor, dumbass. Punkerslut: Jeeze.... And you'd think I was the college student. Punkerslut: lol, you got the definition of menial wrong. DaveMatthewsRocks: anyway, you failed at it. Punkerslut: No I didn't. I dropped out. Punkerslut: Quitting, and trying and failing are totally different. DaveMatthewsRocks: now whos laughing?? DaveMatthewsRocks: menial? DaveMatthewsRocks: no ,it doesnt. Punkerslut: Get a dictionary. Christ, with owning a nation state, I think you could afford one. DaveMatthewsRocks: actually, my friends need me to go to lunch... so we'll have to finish this later. Punkerslut: Have fun! Punkerslut,
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